i've started this book lately.  it's called the unbearable lightness of being.  it's by milan kundera, in case any of you were wondering.  it's about love and womanizing and a few other things, but it's based on a philosophical premise put forth by nietzsche called "eternal return."  it's quite an interesting concept. 

the general jist of "eternal return" is that we see ourselves and our lives and our world and those around is in a very particular way because of the fact that life and all of its encompassed situations are temporary.  our perspectives on nearly everything would change drastically if they were perpetual instead of temporary.  a soldier, for example, takes the life of an "enemy" to protect and serve his country.  the soldier returns home as a hero.  his community and government applaud his commitment.  why?  because the action was singular.  it played out at one specific point in time and then ended.  it served a purpose for a moment and then was over.  that's the nature of a chronological world on a timeline.  that's the "lightness" of being.

the idea of "eternal return" is really a giant "what if...?"  what if our actions didn't play out in a singular moment?  what if the things we did repeated on forever over and over and over again?  what if the act of this soldier killing his state's enemy were forced to play over and over like a projection track on repeat?  this glorified and celebrated soldier would be viewed quite differently.  he'd be stripped to a man who kills another man over and over and over again.  it would be barbaric.  that's the "heaviness" of being. 

the question the book asks (in a round-about way through use of sex and love and infidelity and disrespect) is:  which is better and which is worse?  is it better to live in a "heavy" world where the consequences of our actions repeat into forever bringing us perpetual shame (but also intense pride in some circumstances), or is it better to live in a "light" world where all things happen and pass on a temporal scope, ultimate consequences are muted (but with the muting of consequences, meaning is muted as well)?

'tis quite the interesting concept.

Currently Listening Euphoria Morning By Chris Cornell "preaching the end of the world" see related

well what do you know...

i post an entry about how i'll be taking a hiatus from xanga due to a clever cup of beer determined to drench my computer, and the very next day, i'm stuck in a room for eight.whole.hours with nothing but a computer, a television, my journal, two books (both of which i've already read) and a "confused" man going through delerium tremens.  thus far, i must admit that i've only addressed the television, computer and crazy man.  my journal and books remain untouched.  gosh i wish oxygen weren't entirely combustible. 

in any case, without my computer i've had quite a lot of time to reflect lately.  you know, time to think about the good shit.  i have decided, that i am not who i want to be quite yet.  don't get me wrong, i feel pretty damn good about myself, but i don't think that i'm absolutely exceptional.  it is, however, my experience that delving too deeply into the specifics of self-deprecation or self-aggrandizement usually results in the expulsion of loads and loads of bullshit.  needless to say, few (if any) further details are required on the matter. 

did you know that i'm 24.38 years old?  i suppose that's an approximation given that i'm calculating years and days rather than hours and minutes.  anything beyond those would by nature be approximations since i don't actually know the exact seconds and what not of my birth.  if i live to be 100 years old, i'm already 24.38% through my life, but seriously - who lives to be 100 years old these days?  the last guy i knew that died was 76 years old, and he was a mess.  that's another set of specifics that i'm sure no one wants to learn.  in any case, if i die when i'm 76 years old, i'll have already lived approximately 32% of my life. 

granted, that means that i may still have 78% of my life left to live.  the thing is, that i've spent approximately 87.13617% of my life thus far being nearly entirely clueless.  it's the type of realization that makes you feel aged and naive all at the same time, especially when i take into consideration the fact that at least some percentage of my life will probably be lived decrepitly. 

so, in light of the aforementioned realization, or feeling, or sensation - whatever - i've been thinking a lot more about my life and my love.  i've been wondering how my life would change if i spent 10% of the time bitching about revolutions and 90% of my time just living without expectation and the limitation of disappointment instead of the not entirely uncomfortable, but not entirely fulfilling 90% of the time i spend on hopeful bitching.  don't get me wrong:  i don't mind the hope for change, i just get tired of bitching about it.

before i die, i want to:
1.  become something - preferrably an rn...maybe mutliple somethings.  who knows?
2.  skydive.
3.  work in an impoverished country.
4.  sing in front of a sizeable audience.
5.  sing the national anthem at a sporting event.
6.  fall in love again.
7.  inspire someone to change their world.
8.  visit:  france, ireland, england, israel, egypt, italy, germany
9.  see someone i love fulfill a dream that they never thought possible.
10.  witness a natural disaster
11.  walk through a field of sunflowers.

 i officially dropped my class today; thus, i will no longer be proceeding with my mental breakdown.  i apologize to all who were expectant.

also, i think this is pretty much the shit: